Like most college students are.

Hello there W.o.W. subscribers, readers, fans, foes, or whoever you are,

I have not been able to write lately due to a few things:
1. I was busy, like most college students are.
2. I was tired, like most college students are.
3. I was a little under the weather, like most college students are.
4. I was a little depressed, like most college students are (or now are). :(
5. Finally, I had to remember to schedule in meals between: classes fraternity events during Greek Week, getting tattoos, hanging out with the lady friend, rock climbing, music searches, radio shows, dance practices, teeth brushing, sleeping, being on duty as an RA, WALKING THROUGH HEPATITIS CREEK to catch my 300 Rubber Ducks for my charity race which somehow evaded my net/trapping mechanism, playing catch, and more. (probably not like most college kids)


Also, I'm sad to inform you,
But my posts on collegehumor have not gotten enough likes to be put on the main page, so I will continue to write as the time goes on, however my dream of becoming a collegehumor writer a week ago was a little bit hasty and lofty. It's ok to dream. I am like Arethra, and a little semi-famous job that pays you for being something you can't help- being hilarious- cannot stop me from surviving.

I will not forget about you for so long again...I hope.
Let me know you are reading, because I would love to know. Give me a topic, any topic, and I will write about it and try and make it funny.

With much love and respect for those experiencing the aftermath of the Virgina Tech tragedy,
BMS

Battles that you have always wanted to see...

Dear W.o.W. readers,
Over the years, I have contemplated the outcomes of some very serious battles. These people/animals/characters/friends have worked their way into our hearts with their ferocity and goodness. Today, I will explore what would happen if they were to fight.

Today's Battle:

Count Chocula vs. Tony the Tiger

This specific battle has plagued me for years, (and seems to have been referenced by http://www.derok.net/derok/countchocula.html), but this is why:

(pic provided by Aaron Edwards)

Name: Count Chocula
Address: 1 Creepy Court (the giant castle on the cliff thing)
Interests: Chocolate, being a vampire, being straight gangsta, being the leader of a gang (the Monsters), throwing huge parties, gardening
Powers: Flight (after he turns into a bat), Echo-radar, Super sharp fang, Ability to summon friends at will(Booberry, Frankenberry, and FruitBrute-discontinued after the battle with Snap-Crackle-and Pop, Power-ups from the moon, crazy maze house, sweet cape, and cackle
Weaknesses: The Sun, Garlic, Silver bullets, Wooden Stakes



(pic provided by mutantlog)
Name: Tony the Tiger
Address: Unknown, he is always in a new place, they call him "the Wanderer"
Interests: Frosted Flakes, playing with kids, extreme sports, drinking alone, bathing himself
Powers: Agility, Camoflauge(when in the orange colored plains), Super Strength(when SuperCharged), and sharp teeth and claws...like tigers usually do
Weaknesses: Catnip, Steaks, inability to speak without stuttering(They're Grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!), water, milk, fleas




The Battle:
There are some very serious things to consider in this battle. The first and foremost is the TIME OF DAY in which the battle takes place. There are some obvious advantages to either. Day is Tony's strength; Night is Count's strength. Either solar event can make or break the fight. The next thing to think about is what food is available on the side. If there is a nice, not quite soggy, still crunchy bowl of Frosted Flakes on the side, Tony might have to have some alone time before the fight. If there is a nice bag, of freshly donated O negative blood, then the Count might have to stop and play some drinking games with his friends.


So, imagine a place, not night or day, both competitors fueled with their choice of food and drink, half plains/half creepy castle. The competitors, super-charged and monster-ized face off. Tony would make the first blow with his agility. The Count would fly up, and distract the cat with an echoing cackle. Both would lose each other in the arena(the bat form Count would lurk in the dark corners of the room, the Tiger in the plain). Punches, scratches, bites, claws, gang-beatings, fury enraged combinations, and more.

In the end, the winner will just have to be: Count Chocula

He just has to win. He's a monster, he has more powers, he can transform, he's the spokesperson for a better cereal and company, and HE'S A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This concludes the first battle you've always wanted to see. If you disagree with the outcome, comment why. If you have suggestion for the next battle, comment. In other words, let me know what you are thinking so I can make this blog better!

Help make me famous!

Dear W.o.W.ers,

Your truly has begun writing a whole lot (as is shown by my recent dedication to my blog). I have since starting a relationship, cheated on you. I know, we didn't even get to go out to dinner together before it happened, but it is ok. I plan on being faithful to BOTH of you. (Imagine if that statement could really ease your partner)!
My other wife/partner/writing place is Collegehumor.com. I wrote my first article yesterday(now 2 days ago). I need your help though. I need you to click here, then click on the little link that says "Articles", read my article, and the click the little link that says "Like It?" By doing so, you will be alerting the people who run Collegehumor that my article is worthy of their review. If they like it, they will post it on the frontpage. This will begin the step towards me writing more often, maybe even professionally. WHOAH! I think it would be fun if more people could read my stuff. This may require you to sign up for an account(if you don't already have one). Please do, it's free, and you can then comment on stuff, like stuff, and even write your own(like mine first so I can get famous and say that I helped you get your start!)

Yours truly,
BS

Ps. My article is about Saving a Bad Story. This is something that many people need to learn about. Yup....

If the roles of life were reversed...

Hello there! I know what you were thinking...I know that I didn't post over the last 24 hours. I just want to let you know that it will happen again. By telling you, I now expect you to suck it up and deal. :)

I have often wondered what it would be like if males of each species took on the feminine responsibilities, and the females would take on the masculine ones. It would be a crazy world that would sound a little like this:

-Male lions would do the hunting, and the women would stay home with the kids (weird)
-Quinnipiac University would be 61 % male and 39% female
-Barbie would be renamed Barbo, and Ken would be Kenna(both still eunich-like)
-Women would open doors for men (That would be so smooth! I'm not saying I don't like being chivalrous, but I would love getting the princes-cough cough... prince treatment)

-Finally the switch you have been waiting to read about: Pregnancy
I have always joked around about how cool it would be if men could become pregnant. It would totally redefine a relationship if either person could get pregnant. "Oh, I'll carry this one for you honey!" I could say. Either way, we would just be following in the footsteps of seahorses. Male Seahorses give birth to the children after fertilizing the eggs(eww). They give new meaning to the movie "Mr. Mom" with the Governator.

I only have a few problems with human men giving birth:

1. If morning sickness is anything like what I woke up to this morning after a long night of homework and lack of sleeping, then I say "No thanks" to that.
2. I don't want to get fat. I would get back all the baby fat I worked so hard to work off. I had the biggest cheeks in the world(I have the trophy at home), and I haven't had my cheeks squeezed in a good 8 months, 3 days, 16 hours, 5 minutes, and 37 seconds. I'd like to keep it that way. (Traumatized)
   
3. Paternity clothes would be sooooooooo lame. They would be mainly provided by Carhart, Levi's, Unionbay, Polo, IZOD, and Hanes. I can't find a nice shirt to fit well enough now, I can't even imagine what it would be like when my stomach blimps out to be the size of a watermelon.
4. Breastfeeding= No-No. I like my boobs being muscular...
5. Finally: Where does the baby come out? I will leave that up to your disgusting imagination to decide.

What role would you like to be reversed in today's world?

Where did they go?

Hello W.o.W. readers,

Today, being a little colder than the past couple days, has forced me inside. While the weather is having it's identity crisis (Am I Spring? Am I winter? Am I Sprinter/Wing[combo]?), I have been cast into my room to relax and think. I became very reminiscent today of things that I enjoyed in my childhood, and came up with a topic that I plan to revisit often. It will be called:

Where did they go?
People/kids who would rather play outside than sit inside.

I, being one of these people who love playing outside but have been forced inside, know both sides of the story, and therefore can logically make an argument.
I feel that the kids who would be playing outside have been abducted by aliens , and by abducted by aliens I mean kidnapped by television, computers and the internet, and by lazy and nervous parents.
Spending time outside back in New Hampshire was the bomb diggity when I was a kid(and it continues to be as awesome now). One could get a nice tan(summer or winter) and get a lot of fresh air. One could learn the laws of physics on the swingset or seesaw. One could learn the architecture of a sand castle or of a tree/stick fort. One could learn the mathematics of You+ a rabid animal=Bad news with a remainder of RUN AWAY! One could learn the science of using a magnifying glass to melt things or mess with ants. There is so much to learn in the outdoors. Other than learning, being outside directly correlates with exercising more. That means you more than likely will lose weight.

As television becomes more popular(and more violent) despite the lack of decent shows like we had (whole 'nother topic), children and adults become glued to the tube as if it were their prized possession. As the internet steals the souls of those who committ to sitting in front of it (all college students, children who are looking at interactive learning sites, and more, we as people lose connection to our natural habitat. It is a proven fact that we ,humans/homosapiens, are the only species of creature on the planet that is no longer able to survive in our natural habitat. Also, as if it's not obvious, the amount of time we are spending in front of computers and t.v.'s is also directly adding to the obesity in our country. They need to invent computers that you can take with you while you exercise, on some sort of head set (LIKE VIRTUAL REALITY) on a treadmill. I say headset because when I tried to read my 20G Ipod (it died-gah Apple!) it was hard to focus. This would work. People could exercise and surf the net.

I'm not saying that spending time in front of these electronic devices is bad. In this case, there is definitely a limit on how much of something is good. I say, we should all learn to speed read. That way, you can still read my blog and exercise!!!

Finally, I think in a world of increasing fear, parents are either too lazy to go outside so they can watch their kids, or too scared that something is going to happen to let them out. If people don't let their children, or even themselves, take risks, then everyone will just be scaredy-cats and we'll get fat. I think that it is crucial to allow and even force children outside. Teach them self defense and how to make smart decisions around strangers, give them a cell phone to call you, buy them crappy clothes and let them get dirty in them and expose themselves to the germs early so they can get the immunity for them, and more.

My challenge to my readers is to go outside today, bundle up, and at least go for a walk. Get your blood pumping. Exercise is a stress reliever, and an energy giver.

Thanks for reading this semi-serious, hopefully thought provoking post. I will be funnier when the weather gets sunnier. For now, I will leave you with my favorite quote of all time. It is a quote from the Alkaline Trio song "Radio". If you look up the song, it's a really bitter song about a guy who has been recently dumped and is very angry about it. The lyrics for the most part are really harsh, except for this part, which ties directly in with what I spoke about earlier: risks.

"...if Columbus was wrong, I'd drive straight off the edge."

The Beginning of a Serious Relationship

Dear whomever stumbles across this page,

You are in for quite the treat, for you will get to be the suscribers to the insanity that is my thought process. I have recently been inspired by the likes of Greg Madrid, Koren Zailckas, Streeter Seidell and the other Collegehumor authors, and many more to start putting my thoughts down on paper (or in this case a computer). I get this crazy feeling that we are going to be BFFL-OIWFYASOYHABYTKRAPOMB's (Best Friends for Life- Or I will find you and stand outside your house and beg you to keep reading and posting on my blog). Haha...... No Seriously though....

My goal is to write about the serious, funny, bizarre, and definitely random thoughts that go through my head, and I am more than interested in taking suggestions on topics. I love learning, so I will do research, and argue the heck out of any topic you pose.

So without further ado, the First W.O.W. topic is:

People who sing the words to songs but don't understand what they mean.

[CAUTION: MATURITY ALERT]
By reading any further you agree not to be pissed when I the filter on my mouth/fingers does not stop me from referencing things that would cause any teenager to giggle ferociously and make any overly-PC adult want to yell at me.

I remember back in like sixth grade, I was sitting in the back seat of my mom's car( because I wasn't tall enough as a sixth grader to sit in the front seat, it's hazardous!) singing along to a song. This song was UB40's Girl I Want To Make You Sweat. Back then, my pre-pubescent voice sung the words as if it was another bubble gum pop song that you would hear on RadioDisney. I'm surprised my mother didn't catch on to the lyrics. They go a little something like this:

"Girl I want to make you sweat,
sweat till you can't sweat no more,
And if you cry-y, I'm gonna push it
Push it, Push it some more-ore."

If I sang this song today aloud with as much enthusiasm as I did then, there is a great chance I would be slapped in the face with accusations of sexual assault and a large amount of evil-eye giving would ensue... for about a week.

I say this because many people do it. In fact, yesterday, I came across a friend of my lady-friend who did not really understand the lyrics to the Cutting Crew's (I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight. She was singing it out loud at a large social gathering for the Rugby Team. I found this especially amusing because the song references premature ejaculation in its chorus, and before it was sung in the presence of many testosterone junkies, it was preceded with an excited,"Oh my God, I Love this song!!!!!!!!!!!"

Other songs that people(including yours truly) have sung without understanding:

Next's Too Close (male anatomy arousal)
Ricky Martin/William Hung's She Bangs (aggressive women)
The Vapors Turning Japanese (the face one makes when pleasuring oneself)

Got any more songs that fit this category?